November 23, 2020

Last night was one of the most alchemising, transcendent nights of my life. Andrew Horn and I decided to smoke cannabis before having sexy time. Right before we went to the bedroom, I was catching up with my dear friend Layla Martin and since she’s the tantric sex expert, we asked her what we could do to “open up our tantric channels” and she said “sit on his lap facing him, stare into each other’s eyes for 5 straight minutes and breathe into your sex organs.”

We probably got a little carried away with how much cannabis we smoked since it’s such a rare occurrence. My friends know me to “cheech out” when I do smoke because if I’m going to go in, I’m gonna go in, know what I’m sayin’? The usual too-much-pot-paranoia-going-to-sit-in-corner-alone-to-ride-it-out-why-do-I-do-this-to-myself-I’m-never-smoking-pot-again was replaced with the deepest dropped-in presence.

Andrew put on a meditation playlist and the Indian prayer song that came on reminded us of the Jurassic Park theme song so we made an in-the-moment decision to go into the tantric eye gazing sex organ breathing with the actual Jurassic Park theme song playing in the background.

For some context, leading up to last night, over the last couple of years, I have been doing a lot of self-development work — meeting and practicing with several brilliant healers and teachers — and so much of the teachings crystallized last night.

As we locked left eye to left eye, with the cinematic tyrano-soundtrack playing, we giggled at first but then…the alchemy began.

First, his face turned into a face of a cosmic angel, with blue and pink light beams and sacred geometry sparkling all over his face. With his eyes staring into mine, I felt the love of a universe, a love so big it could not be contained. AND I LET IT IN. I let in the depths of love into my soul — literal light beams from his eyes through my eyes, through my heart, beaming its way down to the tips of my toes and fingers all the way up to the top of my head, I let love fill up my entire body.

This felt like the completion of my BUFO ceremony that I have been integrating over the last few months, that started off with letting fear overtake my body. Last night it was love so big, it made me feel ok to die for the first time ever in my life. I’ve have a low-grade fear of dying for a while and last night, I found peace with it.

As I laid there with Andrew gently caressing my body, I become a soldier on a battlefield who was dying but I was ok with it because I felt complete for the first time with utter love.

Then as he was caressing me, I let out the most guttural cries I ever heard leave my body. I cried and cried and cried and cried from the depths of my being and set free all of the trauma that I was holding in for so long. I cried so hard too because I saw all of the people who were put in my life to create obstacles and cause me pain as the most revered angel teachers who were sent to cause pain FOR me to grow and become who I am destined to become. They came to serve and I felt the gratitude in my heart and body fully overcome me. I started saying “Thank you thank you thank you” over and over again to all of the obstacle creators in my life, all the way back to my ancestors.

I cried and cried and cried also because I felt truly listened to by Andrew — who was still caressing me with so much presence and undeniable love. I said “Thank you thank you thank you” over and over again to him too. The feeling of being truly listened to and truly held was one of the most healing moments in my life, and what felt like a healing moment for womenkind too.

I saw the trauma stories leave my body and fade away into the blackness of the universe, like the opening credits of a Star Wars movie.

I felt like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast who was so misunderstood and vilified — and when the final petal of the rose was about to fall, Beauty tells the Beast that she loves him with a love so true that it broke the spell and he turned back into the handsome prince.

I felt the spell of emotional purgatory be viscerally flushed out with SO MUCH love that it left me spacious, expanded, light, floating and feeling like the Queen that I truly am. I felt my royal love come flooding back into my body. I felt my womb open up and become a light filled cosmos.

I dozed off, legs entangled with his, light, content and deeply grateful.